Terrors Of The Palantir
by RecusantMaverick
Summary: Sauron's had a strop(again) and feels like stopping the Quest. A strange being gives him torture methods from another world, and the Dark Lord sets to work... The LotR companion to President Snow's Torture Methods. More lighthearted than it sounds.
1. Prologue

Terrors Of The Palantir

Sauron glared down at the world. He was very annoyed, since Mordor's resident optician had told him he needed glasses. The resulting fit of rage/temper tantrum had ended up destroying Mordor Opticians Inc's HQ and the surrounding area.

Sauron remembered what his therapist had said.

_Let it all out_, remembered the Dark Lord.

Visions of stupid hobbits flashed before his eye. Then that Heir of Isildur. That annoying white wizard. The elves. Those insufferable dwarves. And that... _thing_ that followed the hobbits.

The Dark Lord called for his disguised Palantir to be brought forth. Sauron remembered the being that had appeared to him yesterday, bearing a box marked with hazard signs.

"Load these into your Palantir. Each Palantir is designed to torture one enemy," the being had said. Sauron's Orcs had done so.

"Deliver these!" ordered His Evilness.

The Orcs bowed, and donned postman outfits, then took the packages and left. Sauron cackled evilly.


	2. Chapter 1: Frodo, Sam and Smeagol

**Chapter One: Frodo, Sam and Smeagol**

The two hobbits and Smeagol/ Gollum came to a halt.

"Orcses!" Smeagol hissed.

Then three Orcs, dressed in postman outfits, leapt at them.

"Special Super Saver delivery!" Orc One called.

The Orcs all dropped strange packages, then fled. Frodo cautiously advanced towards the packages, which had strange lettering upon them.

" . Which trickery is this?" Frodo wondered.

"It says fishes!" hissed Smeagol," Precious fisshess!"

Smeagol leapt for his package. Frodo and Sam began to open theirs, drawn by some unknown force. Three shiny stones fell out.

"Stones. Really?" Frodo said.

Then, his eyes were drawn to the Palantir. No matter what he did, he could not look away. Sauron, watching from afar, smiled. This could be used on rogue Orcs, or as a WMD. Frodo's screams came through the Palantir feed, followed by Sam's and a horrible screech from Smeagol.

**Torture No.1: Frodo - Twilight.**

Frodo's eyes burned as the word came up on the screen. This was Twilight - the movie.

"Sauron's evil work!" cursed the hobbit.

The worst was that he could not look away. He was stuck watching Twilight until it ended. Frodo had faced down trolls, fought the hordes of Mordor and started the Quest, but this was by far the worst. The unfortunate hobbit wept as the movie remorselessly continued.

"Sparkly vampires? The end of Middle Earth is nigh!"

Frodo had only watched thirty minutes, but was already firmly convinced that sparkly vampires were coming to take over Middle Earth, and that the Cullens were Sauron's right hand men. As for Bella... she was the leader of that horrific plague of Mary-Sues that Sauron had unleashed. Frodo shuddered at the memory of the Sue attack on Hobbiton.

Twilight finished, and Frodo fell back, muttering about the coming of the sparkly vampires.

**Torture No 2- Sam - The Sound Of Sauron.**

Sam thought his Palantir had broken. There was just the noise of rushing water. Then the most horrific noise ever heard - worse than Justin Bieber, One Direction or even both put together - came out of the stone.

"Singing in the shower, singing in the rain! O how marvellous - oh, crap I forgot the rest."

Sam would have put his hands over his ears, but he was frozen to the spot. Sauron was singing in the shower. The evil voice switched to another song.

"Uruk, uruk hai! Uruk, uruk, uruk hai!"

This new song froze Sam's blood. If Sauron got hold of a megaphone... Visions of immobile citizens being slaughtered flashed before his mind's eye.

"It's Mordor, Mordor, gotta get down to Mordor!" sang Sauron.

Think good things, thought Sam. Go to your happy place. Sadly, Sam's happy place was corrupted forever.

Sauron decided to finish on a high.

"Whoa, whoa, you don't know you're evil! Whoa whoa - you don't know you're evil!"

Sam's happy place was destroyed forever.

**Torture No.3 - One Pound Fish - Smeagol/Gollum.**

"Shinyyyy!" hissed Smeagol.

A fish appeared on the screen, with an Orc holding it. Then a tune filled the air, and lots of Orcs appeared around the confused Smeagol. As one, they broke into song.

"One pound fish! Very very good, very very cheap, one pound fishhh!"

"Fishess! Wheres fishess!" hissed Smeagol.

He lunged for a fish carrying Orc, but the Orc stepped backwards and vanished. The Orc reappeared on the other side.

"Oh, no no no! One pound fish!"

Smeagol leapt again, missing the Orc.

"One pound, two pound, three pound fish! Very very good, very very cheap!"

"We wants fishes!" Smeagol screeched.

The Orcs continued their song.

"We not have one pound, precious!" Smeagol cried.

The poor little deformed hobbit sat in the middle and cried, as the Orcs continued relentlessly.

Sam crawled to his friend.

"The sparkly vampires are coming, Sam. Sauron has summoned them," gasped Frodo.

Sam had similar news.

"Sauron's singing will doom us all," the hobbit said.

(dramatic silence)

Smeagol broke the silence.

"I needses a pound to buy fishes!"

**A/N: PM me if you have a good idea for a torture. All tortures are humorous**.


End file.
